Those First Few Days...A Confession

I have a heavy duty confession to make. 

I didn't love Ali when she was born.

I mean, I knew I wanted her, and that I was excited about her, and that I really liked her a lot, but I never really felt that deep-seated bond that all movies, blogs, magazines, and telanovelas will have you believe is the only way.  The whole pregnancy with Alessandra was kind of like a really cool science experiment for me, like growing and fostering a giant sea monkey or something.  And on the afternoon of September 7th after that final money push, I distinctly remember them throwing onto my chest this crying, flesh-colored, sorta blob of a human, and it was more like finally getting a really adorable puppy that I've wanted for a long time. I still didn't feel that emotional connection.  You know, where they always show the mom all crying and whimpering and kissing the baby's head, not even worried about all that blood and vernix getting on her lips.  I for sure hugged and kissed Ali, but just on a spot on her head that looked like it was the most clean.  I'm pretty sure I talked to her and told her hi and did all the obligatory cooing and stuff, but what do you really talk with about a baby who has no desire to be there in the first place?

In spite of all of this, it really is amazing how quickly the maternal mode kicks in.  I remember after they whisked her away to do their thing, all I could do was stare over at her, wanting to take in what she looked like.  All these crazy thoughts running through my head:  Who did she resemble most?  (Weirdly enough, my very first thought was my brother when he was a baby), and also trying to take a mental snapshot so that if anyone would take her from me I would remember how to describe her.  After the first hours of her birth and throughout our entire stay at Abbott Northwestern, I also remember feeling a little guilty because I knew that there was a very good chance that I couldn't pick my baby out of a nursery lineup.

She looks like...A baby!

I think this is what I'm supposed to do with her...

As the days and weeks passed, I went through all of the motions; feeding, holding, changing, comforting.  And somewhere along the line her little tree roots grew right into me.  I can't recall the first time my heart swelled with complete and utter adoration, or when I knew without a doubt that my lips were a freakish magnet to this certain part of her nose right between her eyes, but what I can tell you is that these things happen at least once a day for usually the most trivial reasons nowadays.  I still stare at her with unequivocal fascination like she's that interesting science project I once saw her as, only now it's slightly hilarious because she'll call me out on it because, let's be honest, no one just likes to be stared at for no good reason.  (At least to the person being stared at...To me, it's the best reason in the world.)  I asked her the other day "Do you think mama kisses you too much?" to which she simply replied "yeah" with a giggle.  Of course, the only response to that is to kiss her more. 

I guess the reason I tell you all of this is because, as a person who enjoys observing raw human nature with myself usually as the center of the study, I find it interesting that it only took that one little child to act as the catalyst that opened the floodgates of my love.  I am already so in love with this little boy that I am trying to figure out how to contain it all without going berserk.  I am in no way concerned that I will not have enough love for both of my children, but I am a little worried about how I am going to effectively show Alessandra that I love her just as much as her brother when I will need to dedicate so much time to him in those first few weeks.  It actually breaks my heart a little to think about her hurting or being jealous of her new sibling.

I tell her all the time that she will always be my first baby, and my favorite girl.  (This is a lovely little loophole, as new baby will always be my favorite boy.)  I will praise her as my little helper once her brother is born, and I know she'll be very good at it and will tell her so every day.  She does have a special place in her heart for babies as I see her interact with them when I drop her off at daycare, so that part I'm not too concerned about.  It's just reminding her that she is still so important to me that gets me going.  I'll do my best, but please don't hesitate to pass along any suggestions you may have.

Aside from the aforementioned sappy stuff, not a ton to talk about this week and I haven't been awesome about taking pictures either which is why you find me here babbling on and on all mushy-like about how much I love my kids.  No belly shot either, so you are just going to have to make do with these adorable pictures I took of Ali on my camera phone this week.

Looking all cute and cozy in her sweater dress...Thanks Aunt Yole and Gianna!

Diego was at the zoo last weekend.  She loves him!

So, that is all.  Next week, I hit 30 weeks. (!!!)    Seriously, six more weeks and I'm full term.  Weird.

I'll report back to you regarding my progress following my 30 week appointment on Wednesday!  Have a great weekend.